Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Struggle and Expectation

I am writing this because of how I felt. It might sound pessimistic but it is something I felt deep within. I felt that I am so incompetent in my job. My education, training that I received beforehand doesn’t seemed to prepare me for the real thing. I felt that I cannot live up to my own expectation. Or maybe my expectation is too high.

I do not know what you will feel, but I just feel so pathetic. Somehow, I felt that my personality doesn’t seem to make me a good teacher. I am so ever careless, forgetful, being rash and I felt I can write down all my cons in a super long paper and find it endless. Yet, I am glad to be supported by my colleagues that teach me wonderful things. I know I can be a good teacher because there is no definite personality that makes a person more suitable. I can make myself suit that job and learnt to do well in the job as we put your heart and effort onto it. When we cannot change things around us, we can only change ourselves. It applies to the teaching and learning. Before we can change people around us, we must change ourselves.

But, lately I had been given some simultaneous task and it seemed that I can’t really cope with it well. The task seemed so easy. Sometimes, I really felt so incompetent because the task given is so simple yet I cannot do well in it. For I know that if I can’t do well in simple things, how about great things. Everything starts from small. Yet, every times I thought about it I felt so despair. How such an incompetent teacher that cannot do the simple things landed in a school? How my presence will affect the pupils?
Is my expectation too high? Since I am dealing with human especially children, parents, teachers as well as others, should things be not in so control as in dealing with robots. Sometimes I think that too. Yet, every time I dealt with my pupils I felt I was so incompetent. I don’t feel so prepared, my planning don’t seemed to be good, my pupils are misbehaving even worst they don’t listen to what I say. That is classroom business. Other jobs in the school seemed to be ok. Yet, I felt I didn’t do well in them too.

What that comforted I was my supportive colleagues that helped me out and give me positive encouragement. Regardless of position from the headmistress that forever in motivation and full of ideas to be in motion, my mentor that acts like my mother in school that guide and give me real advices and help, teachers that teach me important things and cheer me up with whatever things such as food and even the clerk and security guard. When I am clues, they are willing to help me telling me all the do and don’t even how and etc. When I was late the guard will be so kind to let me stay longer and constant asking on my well being.

Besides that, I felt such blessing in my school was the pupils. Although they misbehave and testing my patient 24/7, their changes in term of behavior and attitude seemed to moved me. Some of the pupil was so enthusiastic to see me that they went to teacher’s room to call me when it was my period. When I was not around for a day, they asked about my absence. How their enthusiastic, their little children talk, their smile, their cry and their action seemed to inspire and moved me. But some of them also stepped on my head because I am so slacked. Everyone tell me to be firm, yet I failed greatly. I smile in the class, I gave the wrong impressions, I laughed despite when I should be angry. There is so many things to write about.

I started off with a heavy heart and sadness, yet as I looked upon God blessing in my life, in the school, in my relationship with others. Thank you God. When we see and count our blessing things doesn’t seem to be so big. We should see our problem with a telescope. Since most of the time we use a microscope, all the small matter seemed to be so huge. When I finish writing this, the heavy burden in my heart seemed to be lessened. Learning is a lifelong learning process. 

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